Yesterday I Cried

Yesterday afternoon I stood and watched a coffin be lowered, I watched a grieving loving frail husband be wheeled grave side and drop rose petals on the coffin.  I heard him say . . . "I'll see you soon"  

I watched the cloudy sky as it threatened to cry and finally I cried, I cried tears which should've been cried 3 weeks earlier.  It seems feelings of sadness finally found me, having bided their time, and caught me defenceless. 

Yesterday sadness overtook me . . . I found myself in a situation of frustration, sadness and anger mixed up in the sense of helplessness as I attended our fifth funeral this year.  

The pain seeped through the cracks of the protective layers carefully constructed, winding their way round my heart and squeezing it until the tears rolled down my face as I let my strong mask fall.

Sometimes it’s too hard to stay strong relentlessly, so I sat with the sadness awhile; unfolding the layers, feeling the textures, seeing the flaws I cannot correct, the worn fibres and stubborn stains. 

I bunched the grief up in my fists, then smoothed out the wrinkles of frustration and regrets, I poured salt water on historic wounds.  I forgave.  Time passed, family hugged, family remembered.  This funeral so different to the last.  

And finally last night my tears ran out.   

Today I will be gentle, I will not expect too much of myself or pretend that I am stronger than I am, but I will be brave. 

If you’re feeling tender too, please be kind to yourself, you can be stronger and productive tomorrow.